At press time, an emotional Walton was reportedly able to finally quit his low-paying and demeaning job as a bench player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.
“’Sometimes it’s simply a matter of having the best player on the court, and that’s exactly what that little girl was tonight,’ Pistons coach Lawrence Frank told reporters after the game, adding that double teams made little difference against the aggressive, ponytailed 10-year-old.”
‘After examining Bosh’s test results, I have to say that this comeuppance for unbounded hubris will certainly keep Bosh out for the rest of the playoff series against Indiana, if not longer,’ Heat physician Dr. Harlan Selesnick said. ‘Unfortunately, no matter how fitting it may be, this is exactly the kind of cosmic, karmic punishment the team can’t afford at this time.’
“WEAKSIDE: Commits more turnovers than you’d like to see out of a team savior.”
NBA Nights will reportedly feature a broad, constantly revolving cast of characters, with weekly episodes showcasing every franchise in the league: Emeka Okafor pursues zombies in New Orleans, Andrew Bogut and Mike Dunleavy battle thawed-out vikings in Milwaukee, and Kobe and his Lakers teammates realize the entire Los Angeles crowd is a swarm of soul-eating demons.
Never before have I so desperately wished an Onion article was real.