“It’s just frustrating because I know that if I’m healthy I can definitely live up to one-tenth of my potential. I just have to be patient and diligent with my rehab so I can one day throw away another opportunity to become the best center in the league.”
At press time, an emotional Walton was reportedly able to finally quit his low-paying and demeaning job as a bench player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Pistons Lose To Elementary School Girls Team After Big Night From 4’9” Center | The Onion
“’Sometimes it’s simply a matter of having the best player on the court, and that’s exactly what that little girl was tonight,’ Pistons coach Lawrence Frank told reporters after the game, adding that double teams made little difference against the aggressive, ponytailed 10-year-old.”
“‘Seriously, you guys have so much in common,’ said Miller’s close friend Danielle Kaelin, stressing that the couple would ‘really hit it off if [Miller] would just give him a chance.’”
‘After examining Bosh’s test results, I have to say that this comeuppance for unbounded hubris will certainly keep Bosh out for the rest of the playoff series against Indiana, if not longer,’ Heat physician Dr. Harlan Selesnick said. ‘Unfortunately, no matter how fitting it may be, this is exactly the kind of cosmic, karmic punishment the team can’t afford at this time.’
“Um, so now what?” Bogut said, clutching the ball to prevent it from accidentally bouncing on the floor. “Man, this thing is really round. Should I be rolling it somewhere? Wow, coach is doing his angry jumping. Is he pointing at me? He is, but I definitely have shoes on this time. Oh, I think he’s signaling me to waste another timeout.”
“The incident follows last week’s report of a large animal finding its way into the locker room, which resulted in Orlando animal control officials mistakenly tranquilizing, tagging, and releasing Hedo Turkoglu.”
“WEAKSIDE: Commits more turnovers than you’d like to see out of a team savior.”
“1994: A mysterious man named Isaiah Rider appears out of nowhere, wins the slam-dunk contest with an amazing backboard-level between-the-legs dunk, and then disappears, never to be seen again”
NBA Nights will reportedly feature a broad, constantly revolving cast of characters, with weekly episodes showcasing every franchise in the league: Emeka Okafor pursues zombies in New Orleans, Andrew Bogut and Mike Dunleavy battle thawed-out vikings in Milwaukee, and Kobe and his Lakers teammates realize the entire Los Angeles crowd is a swarm of soul-eating demons.
Never before have I so desperately wished an Onion article was real.
