OK FINE! Playoff Predictions
NBA Playoff Predictions
Lakers over Thunder - 6 games. Kevin Durant averages over 30 points a game, but misses a buzzer-beater in all 4 games they lose. Seriously, he is really terrible at that. Also, Westbrook averages a double-double against a frightened Derek Fisher.
Mavericks over Spurs - 7 games. Haywood, Nowitzki, and Kidd all average double-doubles. Tim Duncan spends his time skimming through an issue of The Economist.
Suns over Blazers - 4 games. Meanwhile, Greg Oden wins a hot dog eating contest over at the Physical Therapy Clinic, thus completing his transformation into Robert Traylor
Nuggets over Jazz - 5 games. Come on. This is like Rocky Balboa fighting Apollo Creed while Adrian’s in the hospital. Sure they might be damn near equal, but the Nuggets are fighting with a fire in their hearts, and with nothing to lose. Blockbuster film right there, natch.
Lakers over Nuggets - 6 games. For some reason, I sense that Ron Artest is going to get a quadruple-double in one of these games. Warier-senses, tingling!
Mavericks over Suns - 7 games. Nowitzki and Nash lead the charge for their respective teams, yet game seven is won by the Suns off of something stupid, like a Goran Dragic full-court toss at the buzzer in triple-OT. So fucking stupid.
Lakers over Mavericks - 5 games. Derek Fisher hits a game winner in Dallas. Mark Cuban eats J.J. Barea in anger, gets 5,000 new followers on Twitter as a result.
Cavaliers over Bulls - 5 games. Bulls win the first game off a game-winning three by Luol Deng. Cavs proceed to win the next 4 games by 20+ points.
Bobcats over Magic - 7 games. I know. I’m as surprised as you are. But that’s the way it is sometimes, being an Oracle and whatnot.
Hawks over Bucks - 4 games. Brandon Jennings shoots 4%. Josh Smith makes all of Milwaukee swoon with his amazing athleticism. Oooh, J-Smoove!
Heat over Celtics - 7 games. Half of the Celtics roster proceeds to retire. Michael Finley officially declares he is “too old for this shit.” He then proceeds to play for three more teams over the course of the next 10 years, becoming less and less culturally relevant each time.
Cavaliers over Heat - 4 games. Michael Beasley wonders out loud where he can score some dank bud. Dwayne Wade decides to take the six-hour trip to Chicago. Shaquille O’Neal forgets to wake up for game four, but even when he does get up, he just spends the rest of the evening watching reruns of Gunsmoke on TV Land.
Hawks over Bobcats - 6 games. Joe Johnson somehow manages to score 276 points over the course of the series… without anybody realizing it.
Cavaliers over Hawks - 6 games. Several white journalists continue to mistake Mike Brown and Mike Woodson for one another.
Lakers over Cavs - 7 games. Kobe gets the game winning shot. Pau is Finals MVP. Lebron goes to New York. Prophecy status: FULFILLED.