Baller Shots on That’s Glitchy: NBA’s Media Day

Hey guys, I wanted to thank you all for sticking with me through a cruel (it’s a cruel!) cruel summer. So here’s an article coming up later today on ThatsGlitchy.com, a site I write for twice-a-day about all manner of sport. MAKE SURE YOU HIT THE READ MORE LINK! Enjoy!

Oh man, I’m salivating already at the thought of basketball season coming up. So many juicy storylines, so many dream match-ups, so many hours spent on NBA 2K13 creating an alternate universe where the Bulls win 30 straight Finals because I’m too much of a pussy to move the difficulty setting past “Rookie”. But enough about my crippling fear of failure. Let’s talk about teams that are trying to dissuade your fear of their failure. Yesterday was Media Day for most of the NBA’s teams, giving players, coaches, and front office personnel an opportunity to talk about the upcoming season and give you false hope. But the great thing about this game is that no matter what, no matter how much your team sucks, there’s always something juicy to talk about, even if that means how good the player your shitty team will draft first overall in next year’s draft will be. So without further ado, let’s take a look at what each team wants you to be talking about. Y’know, the stuff that doesn’t make you audibly groan and gather unwanted attention from your co-workers. THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN’ AT, STEEEEEEEEEVEN?

-New Atlanta Hawks guard Lou Williams wanted to make it clear the team wasn’t rebuilding after All-Star guard Joe Johnson left for Brooklyn, but rather “restructuring.” To prove his point, he’s carefully taking out individual bricks in Phillips Arena and switching them with others. Eventually, he hopes to change the shape of the Arena from a circle into a rhombus. Or a trapezoid. Hey man, architecture is some crazy shit.

-Rajon Rondo talked at length about his close friendship with his Boston Celtics teammate Kevin Garnett. “I would probably say Kevin is my closest friend on the team. Kevin always wants to see me do well. From Day 1, I think my second year, when he first came in, he told me he would be disappointed if I wasn’t the MVP of the league one day and if I wasn’t considered one of the best point guards one day. So, he’s always pushed me and expected more out of me than a lot of people did. And that’s why I’m such a huge asshole. Well, that, and I have a face like Kermit the Frog.”

-Brooklyn Nets head coach Avery Johnson has been frustrated with all the questions about which teams is the best in New York, the Nets or the Knicks? “I’ve answered that question a million times. Here’s what I’m gonna say: It’s not about having the best team in New York,” he said. “It’s about being the best team in this arena at this very moment, about being the best team that wears white and black uniforms, and the best team named the Nets. Clearly, we are the superior team. For now.”

-Charlotte Bobcats forward Tyrus Thomas sought to silence his critics by bouncing back from his terrible previous season and putting on 20 pounds of muscle. Unfortunately, Thomas also put on 50 pounds of fat, and 230 pounds of solid steel, thanks in no small part to replacing his arms with rocket launchers.

-It was announced at the Chicago Bulls’ media day that head coach Tom Thibodeau was given a contract extension for 4 years, worth approximately 25 million dollars. He promptly bought Brian Scalabrine outright to work as his lucky charm/hair greaser. In response to charges of slavery, Scal insisted his former coach was treating him well, allowing him almost three meals a day and a nice carpet to sleep on.

-Cleveland Cavaliers center Anderson Varejao responded to charges of “flopping” by insisting he’s a clean player, now. ”I’m not flopping anymore,” Varejao said. “I used to flop a little bit.” He also copped to using cocaine, meth, crank, speed,  heroin, angel dust, uppers, downers, percs, vikes, black betties, red betties, Spice (straight from Dune), bath salts, and most egregiously, a little pot. Too bad he’s not addicted to shampoo. His hair STANK, son!

-Dirk Nowitzki, captain of the Dallas Mavericks, insists he’s optimistic about the new-look Mavs. “I was obviously disappointed there the way (free agency) started. First Deron didn’t come and then (Jason) Kidd and Jet (Jason Terry) left,” Nowtizki said Friday. “But then we settled in a little bit. We got younger, we got more athletic and that was our goal around me. I feel good, that’s already a big jump. If I feel good, we’re going to be OK.” By this point, Nowtizki couldn’t stop crying, and had to be escorted into the locker room.

-The Denver Nuggets unveiled their new uniforms during their media day (see above photo). Unfortunately, the team hit some financial troubles during the offseason, and had to take on a sponsor. Please welcome your Denver Nougats! Ty Lawson LOVES 3 Musketeers bars.

-The Detroit Pistons’ media day was fairly quiet, foreshadowing their likely terrible season. The biggest news of the day came  when Pistons spokesman Kevin Grigg explained what Media Day was.”The goal of our event is to let fans see what they don’t normally get to see.” Detroit fever, baby! Catch it!

-Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut is ready to return to the court after his myriad of injuries. ”I’m very anxious, I haven’t played basketball since January,” Bogut said Monday. “I’m sick of doing all the rehab and physio. I just want to get out there, put the ball in the basket and be around the team. Like, really close. It’s the Australian thing to do to get close with your mates and have a big group hug with your shirts off. It’s great!” After a couple nervous chuckles, Bogut won back the media crowd by throwing out a couple of Foster’s beers and laying down some Crocodile Dundee lines. Nice.

-Kevin McHale, head coach of the Houston Rockets, minced no words in making clear his desire to take the team back to the playoffs. ”We have a lot of young guys. We have to find a rotation, we’ve got a lot of stuff to do,” McHale said. “Our goal is to try to win as many games as it takes to put ourselves in a position to get into the playoffs. That’s going to be a hell of a challenge, but that’s what I told our guys. We’ve got to find a way to get it done. I’m not quite sure how we’re going to do that, though. Play basketball, maybe? I’m just spitballin’ here.”

-Indiana Pacers head coach Frank Vogel made it clear he expected his young team to continue to improve and make great strides during the season. ”We finished the season last year feeling like we were good enough to win a championship,” Vogel said. “We’re a team that sets our sights high, we shoot for the moon and then we work our butts off trying to get to those goals. We’re dreaming big here. Like last night, I dreamed I was flying a spaceship around Mars and fighting these big blue aliens who were abducting all of our busty women! But then I blew up the mothership, and all these chicks with huge boobs took their shirts off and we banged for hours. It was totally awesome.”

-After a tumultuous year last season, Lamar Odom spoke at the Los Angeles Clippers media day about returning to form. “Sometimes in order to do what we want to do, to make good decisions, sometimes we have to be in that happy place,” Odom said, before injecting himself with an unknown pink substance. “I am back in that happy place.” Odom was then given a towel to wipe the drool off his face, but by then, he had already passed out.

-Tons of excitement surrounded the Los Angeles Lakers during their media day, especially with the additions of Dwight Howard and Steve Nash. But Kobe Bryant made it clear it was still his team. “This is my team, but I want to make sure that Dwight, when I retire, this is going to be his,” Bryant said. “I want to teach him everything I possibly know, so that when I step away, this organization can ride on as if I never left. So I’ll have to train him to shoot 30 times a game, generally disregard his teammates as lesser beings, while being the most respected player in the game. He’s got a long way to go before he can be a beloved asshole like me.”

-Memphis Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph made it clear he was ready for the 2012 season, and his health wouldn’t be a question. ”My knee is 100 percent,” Randolph said, “and I feel good. It’s a new season. I’m turning the page.” He then went back to reading the new edition of Arthroscopic Surgery for Dummies.

-The Miami Heat had their media day last week, which is good, because I’m still not over how Ray Allen looks in a Heat jersey. It’s fuckin’ weird, man.

-Milwaukee Bucks forward Larry Sanders acknowledged he was still working on his on-court skills during the offseason, especially with regards to his post game. Sanders readily acknowledged that the paint is where he “should be on the floor,” but maintained he really “wanted to be at a Red Lobster, eating cheddar baked biscuits,” to which teammate Drew Gooden furiously nodded his head.

-Kevin Love talked at length about the changes the Minnesota Timberwolves’ roster underwent and the personality changes. “I think we have guys now that it really is going to hurt [if the team loses],” Love said. “I’m not saying our locker room was divided that last season, but for some guys they had a date circled on their calendar. It wasn’t the one that said this is going to be our first day of the playoffs; it was ‘Oh, this is the day I get to go home.’ I don’t think we have any guys on our team like that this year. In fact, I plan on us leaving much earlier. Maybe April, March if we could. I bought a new summer home with the contract.”

-Al-Farouq Aminu, forward for the New Orleans Hornets, got a chance to talk about his experience playing for the Nigerian National Team in the Olympics. “It was amazing, man.” Al-Farouq exclaimed. “The best part about it was that I played with my brother for the first time. That was the first time we played together in a real game. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I must’ve forgotten he was a 5’9”, 250 pound white guy. He wasn’t very good.”

-New York Knicks GM Glen Grunwald wasn’t eager to speak about the departure of Jeremy Lin to the Rockets. “Basically, it comes down to the fact that Houston made a commitment to him that we weren’t prepared to make,’ Grunwald said on Monday, making reference to the 3-year, $25.1 million offer the Rockets made to Lin last July. “I mean, that’s a lot of money, y’know? I feel like there’s other, far more washed up players we can take on and give one more chance. I mean, we signed Rasheed Wallace, who was retired for two years, and he’s only the fourth-oldest player we got! That’s a great deal!”

-Kevin Durant was proud of his growth as a leader for the Oklahoma City Thunder. “Each year I’ve grown in that area, just being more of a vocal leader and leading by example,” Durant said. “I just have to bring it every single day as far as trying to help my team… I think if I’m always positive and energetic and wanting to win so bad, they’ll follow.” Durant paused for a few moments, then remarked, “I mean, I guess that would make me a hypnotist, a wizard, a player with black magic. I’d be dealing with the occult.” Durant calmly excused himself, while staring at his hands as a sudden chill filled the building.

-Veteran Orlando Magic guard said he doesn’t fear what might happen this season. ”I think we can be better than people think because they don’t know, nobody knows what’s gonna happen,” said Nelson. “I mean, I don’t even know what’s going to happen! We might play well, we might suck. We might win games, we might lose them. We might eat pizza today, we might have hamburgers. All I know is that we’ll play basketball, then eat some food. Or food first, basketball second. We’ll see.”

-It was announced at Philadelphia 76ers media day that new star center Andrew Bynum would be excused “from basketball activities for the next three weeks” as a precautionary measure. Bynum said he “was feeling a little uncomfortable a couple days ago,” and team officials agreed that he should take it easy. Also, why not give him a blanket and warm milk while they’re at it? Maybe a couple pillows? FOR FUCK’S SAKE ALREADY!

-Phoenix Suns head coach Alvin Gentry discussed the team moving forward after losing Steve Nash. “It’s going to be a challenge,” Gentry added. “You know, the guys that we have are very smart players. To me, I don’t think there’s any reason to panic. We’ll have the full month to get ready for the game against Golden State. We have to take it step by step. There’s no reason for us to think it’s going to happen overnight. I think when those 30 days are over we’re going to be in a pretty good place. We’re going to go slow, make sure everybody knows how to play the game, they know how to speak English, they brushed their teeth and combed their hair. It’s going to be a long road, but if we can breathe oxygen, then I think we’re going somewhere.”

-The Portland Trail Blazers unveiled new red jerseys at their media day. Unfortunately, there weren’t any humorous mishaps as there were with the Nougats jersey unveiling. Fucking Portlandia. Non-gluten-eating motherfuckers.

-Sacramento Kings forward Chuck Hayes talked about his offseason regiment to stay in shape. ”Gradually over time as the summer goes along you start to get into basketball shape, you do your running, you do your conditioning and you work out there on the court. But in the beginning of the summer you try to enjoy everything else besides basketball. Granted, I’m basically re-learning the whole game, but it’s been really fun! My favorite word I learned so far is ‘dunk’. Go on, say it. ‘Dunk’. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds cool!”

-Eddy Curry made a surprise appearance at the San Antonio Spurs media day, and it was revealed he’d be making an attempt to fill the last roster spot. Curry has lost over 100 pounds in recent years, thanks to what he calls “self-eating syndrome.” Curry remarked, “Yeah, all I do is think about the food instead of eating it, and I get through the whole meal! Granted, I’m hungry all the time now, but all I have to do is think about the food, and not eat it, so I can fit into my prom dress finally.” Curry then sipped for a long time at an empty glass, capped with a refreshing “Ahh.”

-New Raptors forward Jonas Valenciunas introduced himself to the media on Monday, showing his  competitive spirit. “Since I was a kid I liked to play hard, I like to compete, I like to win. I think that’s helping me. I like the taste of victory. And blood, but momma said I can’t have that no more. Tomato juice helps.”

-Utah Jazz CEO Greg Miller expressed his excitement at the upcoming season. ”Personally,” Miller said, “I’m as excited about being a part of the Utah Jazz as I’ve ever been just because of the ingredients and the factors that have come together where we are right now. It’s like, I’m helping bake this giant cake, except it’s filled with basketball and passion. Maybe coconut, if nobody’s allergic.”

-When asked about his reputation as a “gunner,” Washington Wizards guard Jordan Crawford responded, “When it’s time to score, I score.” When asked about his reputation as a “murderer,” Crawford had no comment.